Sunday, 27 November 2016

thoughts during chaos


Photographs. My teenage insecurities, printed on glossy paper, worn from years of being blu tacked to the walls or hidden beneath old christmas cards in boxes under my bed. A constant reminder of a time my days weren't plagued with the responsibility of university applications or the pressure of coursework deadlines. My bedroom walls lined with images of innocence as I sit between them and contemplate whether I'm actually ready to leave home in less than a year... the answer seems to be no. I have spent a lot of time feeling as though my childhood is not complete, as if I'm still waiting for something to happen. Yet, the more I consider this, the more I realise that as I wait for something amazing, I ignore the turbulence, sadness, joy and weirdness that have made my teenage years so memorable and great. 

It seems that I, along with everybody else, have been on a life long search for something extraordinary, never found gazing at flecks of paint in the louvre or standing before the ocean with my feet in the dirt. Thousands of postcards and dull holiday snapshots and yet of all the seven wonders in the world I am yet to find one comparable to the sunlight hitting the kitchen tiles of my grandparents house. Sometimes the most incredible thing you witness isn't heralded as a landmark, but is just something you pass on a car journey.

I've mentioned this before on the blog, but I'm constantly finding that it is the unexpected moments I am truly happy in. Never have I looked back on my year 8 school trip to Paris with nostalgia at how ecstatic I was in Disneyland, but occasionally I think of how fucking hilarious it was to sit in a shitty bunk bed with my friends. I wouldn't care to re-visit prom, but if I could I would exist once again in a year nine english lesson, complete with braces and all the general awkwardness I felt at the age of fourteen. Maybe my sixteenth birthday was boring, but a random tuesday afternoon at college could be one of the happiest moments of my existence (unlikely tho..). 

Sometimes beauty is artificial. Although the ocean and the moon and mountains are deserving of their breathtaking abilities, I cannot deny the pure happiness of seeing the crumbling bricks that frame my home town, or the peace within the clothes scattered on my bedroom floor. Perhaps my new found adoration of my surroundings has been triggered by the sudden realisation that soon I will have to leave it all behind, when truthfully I do not feel ready at all. 

So, if you can't tell, the past few weeks have been stressful. However, I feel as though I'm handling it better than expected... despite the neglect of this blog again, but I think right now I have real excuses.

This playlist is perhaps my most unexpected yet... I never anticipated that Adele would feature on my blog but here she is! Lately I've found comfort in a wider range of music, resulting in these ten songs which perhaps wouldn't fit together anywhere else. I've also found myself listening to My Chemical Romance again, for the first time since I was like twelve or thirteen and an obsessive... it feels good. (also been playing We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off - Jermaine Stewart on repeat.... but didn't think it would fit). OHHHHH and I'm not a Lumineers fan, but this music video is beautiful.