Thursday, 31 December 2015

2015


This blog has been abandoned this year due to a combination of life events and laziness. Within the fast moving months of 2015, I survived through the exams that had haunted my entire education experience, left the school I attended for five years, went to prom, got a job and started college/sixth form. So many parts of my life changed in ways that were scary at first, but are now so much better and make me feel endlessly thankful to be having these new experiences. 

I am aware of how random these photos are, but it was kind of difficult to sum up 2015 without including images of other people. 

In 2016 I hope to blog more!!!!! One day I'll get there..

Happy new year  
        ♥

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

absent

Currently unable to bring myself to actually blog. Please enjoy Hall and Oates in the meantime.


Thursday, 27 August 2015

blogging goals


This year I have almost abandoned my blog. What with exams, coursework deadlines and the overall excitement of leaving high school, blogging has slipped to the bottom of my priorities. Although blogging is something I enjoy, it can be very time consuming and when I have an exam the next day, I struggle to justify spending that time on my blog rather than revising. However, now that high school is over and my life is about to change again, I am hoping to become more invested in my blog in order to document this time. In order to motivate myself to do this I have devised a list of four things I hope to achieve that will get me back into the place I used to be with blogging.

  • Join in more twitter chats! 
When I first discovered the blogging community, I was obsessed with the chat's and tried to join in as many as possible. They allowed me to gain advice from other bloggers as well as connect with like minded people who I shared a hobby with! Not only can you discover everybody's new favourite lipstick or fashion trend, but it's a great opportunity to make friends within the blogging community. In May when exam season had begun, I wasn't able to justify spending large amounts of time on twitter when I should be revising, so I haven't really joined any chats since then. Hopefully this new found motivation to blog will also encourage me to actually become part of the blogging community again!

  • Take photos wherever I go.
Yesterday I went to Leeds and spent more time in the quirkier, independent shops than the typical ones on the high street. Although this would have been a great opportunity for a blog post, I didn't take one photo! I think this is partially because I'm slightly afraid of the awkwardness of looking like I am obsessing over my instagram in public. I wish I had a more careless attitude, but unfortunately I always find myself feeling incredibly insecure in these situations. However, I'm going to try and change this about myself. I really want to post about the more 'unique' or interesting things to do in Leeds, rather than visit the same typical shops and chain restaurants (although I do obsess over Wagamama...). 

  • Attempt HTML on my layout
In the early days of my blog I would change my layout constantly, purely for the practise. However, along with exams came laziness towards my blog and I'm currently stuck with the blandest, most boring layout ever. Admittedly, at the time I actually really liked the simplicity of it, but now it seems slightly boring. I am all too familiar with the stress of trying even a simple code on my blog and having it destroy everything, but with enough effort and determination it always seems to turn out okay. I currently have so many ideas on how I want my blog to look, so I'm hoping they become a reality soon!

  • BLOG MORE
The most important thing about blogging is content, and I don't create enough of it! I am constantly writing down ideas for posts that never get published, or telling myself 'I'll do it tomorrow'. Realistically, we all know how pointless it is to put something off until tomorrow as it ends up never happening. I want to become so invested in my blog that I can post almost daily... I can already see this failing.

I'll probably think of some more, but for now these are the most important things I can think of to improve my space of the internet. Lets hope I can stick to these...

Monday, 24 August 2015

wishing my room was a movie


I'm currently focussing on actually sorting my room out, as it has had no real structure for the almost nine years I've lived in it. Growing up on teen movies means that I've always admired the cluttered yet almost neat appearance of every female character's room that I saw on the screen. Each surface seems to be decorated with junk that is so perfectly placed, it takes on a quirky vibe rather than looking messy. I've always attempted to achieve this but my visions fail, leaving me with an actual mess and no idea where anything is.

The majority of my time in the summer holidays has been spent watching movies, one in particular that I enjoyed more for aesthetic purposes rather than the actual film content (could I sound more pretentious???). Pretty in Pink, as with any John Hughes movie, has the whole '80's vibe' that I completely love. Although at the time of release the decor and fashion was simply current trends, it is now like a time capsule and I love imagining a time when the references and hair styles were fashionable rather than dated.

One of the characters in Pretty in Pink, Iona, has an every changing but always eccentric style that I admire. Despite my best wishes to be confident enough to wear anything even slightly outlandish, I always fail to have the guts so I admire people who aren't afraid to do so. Anyway, Iona's apartment completely matches her over the top style, and I was so obsessed with it that I decided to screenshot various aspects of the room.

I love how many colours there are as well as small details like vases of fake flowers, lava lamps and odd ornaments (including one of a rooster). It's a shame the scene in her apartment is so short because I feel like a lot of small details went into creating a room that was perfect for Iona's character. The more you look at the photos, the more weird decorations appear. My favourite details are the bright cushions which I have failed to find similar copies of on etsy so far.

This post was actually really fun to write although it felt similar to doing my art coursework.. I promise I'll post something more interesting soon but I kind of like the idea of my blog being my personal online scrapbook. Okay bye before I say anything else that's annoying.

Monday, 20 July 2015

i am making no effort to fall asleep

Yay for un-edited photos! (Don't hate me).

It's currently 2:37 am and I'm awake and listening to 'How Will I Know' by Whitney Houston and 'He Can Only Hold Her' by Amy Winehouse on repeat while reading my leavers book. For those of you who are unaware of this high school leavers ritual, it is basically a notebook filled with messages from people who have attended the same high school as me for the past five years, as well as many embarrassing pre-pubescent photos (if I wasn't too lazy to print them).

Despite the fact it has been only a matter of weeks since I was sitting in lessons with the people who have scrawled "deffo gonna keep in touch!!!" on lined paper,  I already feel like there is a void between us. High school has ended and it is no longer necessary to force small talk or even friendships with the people we grew up with. I'm not even sad really, just alarmed at my sudden realisation that the inside jokes are dead and there are some people who I said goodbye to on prom and will never see again. 

Reading the handwritten confessions of my high school friends has left me feeling so nostalgic for a period of my life that has only just ended. I'm so surprised that I actually miss my high school education, due to the fact I swore to hate every moment while I was there. I think the past always seems better than it really was, because we look back at it with the romanticised view of all the songs we loved and the things that made us smile, rather than the boredom and frustration and pain. 

I should be asleep and my mind is confused, but what I'm trying to say is although I absolutely do not wish to go back to high school, there are some things that will cause a notable absence in my life. Like cold science labs on Monday mornings where sleep deprived teenagers complain about the temperature while trading minty flavoured bubblegum. Getting in trouble for talking too loudly in R.E and finding the punishment of a negative tick hilarious. Pulling grass from the school field in the summer while listening to bad music through partially broken speakers. Oh my god I could write about stupid little details all day but I must stop myself because I need to sleep.

I really miss the smell of red hair dye and cheap perfume. Where have the days gone??????????

Saturday, 11 July 2015

i went to prom


Throughout high school, despite the fact I have never been keen on the idea of actually going to prom, I participated in excited and delusional conversation about how 'perfect' the night would be when it actually came. I spend the majority of my ICT lessons watching as my friend scrolled through websites in search of a prom dress, occasionally saying things like 'I love that one' in order to seem interested. The truth is, unlike the rest of the high school musical generation, I was not excited to go to prom.

The whole affair has always seemed awkward to me. Arriving in hired transport in a dress that is way too over the top, wearing make up that is too intense for day light and being supervised by teachers all night... nothing about it is really appealing. I have always viewed the event as more of an over hyped school disco, rather than the sophisticated event that our school wanted us to expect. 

I can understand the appeal in a way. My distaste was mainly fuelled by how truly shy I am, meaning a night of crowds and photographs isn't exactly ideal for me. However, I understand that most teenagers actually enjoy feeling glamorous and dancing with their friends to celebrate freedom from high school. 

Anyway, after all the months of hype the day actually seemed quite disappointing. But I did kind of enjoy it. We favoured dramatic photo shoots rather than dancing to the YMCA and sitting at the table and laughing over all the stupid things we had done. Prom is not the night portrayed in movies. There is no 'walking down the staircase moment', it's more like stress over make up and hair and hurriedly trying to apply false eyelashes with minutes to go. Despite the stress.. I suppose it was fun to see the people I've known since I was eleven looking like disney princesses...

Truthfully: I will miss high school. I'll miss sitting on the bus when it's dark and arguing about whether the windows should be open or closed (closed of course!). I'll miss those lessons that aren't really important, meaning that you can spend them talking or scrolling through the Topshop website. I'll miss water fights on the field in summer and avoiding snowballs in winter. I'll even miss wearing uniform! Having to pick an outfit each day in college will be torture after the security of my blue stripy tie (complete with holes from attempts to set them on fire with a magnifying glass in year 7). I'll especially miss the endless pockets of a blazer.... where will I keep my phone???

My blog has documented three of my most crucial years at high school, and if I can bare to go back and read embarrassing posts, I can see myself growing up. The next two years of my life will be spent in a new environment at college, and although I'm nervous I'm kind of excited to see how things change. Maybe I will finally decide what I actually want to write about.

PS: I kind of like this photo even though it's really blurry because I actually look happy. I favour candid photos of people because I think that's when you can truly see how they were feeling...



leaving high school

I spent five hours sitting in in a huge park with everybody in my year, listening to bad music through an equally as bad speaker as huge rain clouds drew closer. As I sat there in my purple leavers hoodie (which I was reluctant to get in the first place due to the fact it screams "I am sixteen!"), I realised I was bored.

There are many moments in life that are built up to be 'perfect', and we are supposed to treat those like they are sacred, worthy of a movie screen moments. You are supposed to laugh and act like everything is perfect and that you feel completely content.. but I have realised that I never do. It is always those events that are planned so much they're almost scripted that I look around at everyone smiling and wonder if I'm the only one who wants to go home. On the leavers photo day, while everyone posed in groups, I pretended to enjoy myself while inside I just kept thinking about how much I didn't want to be there. When my friends are dancing at parties to bad remix's of songs that were already bad in the first place, I wonder how they manage to feel so care free.

My favourite memories are those that happen in ordinary situations, when I'm not expecting anything life changing to occur. When thing go so wrong that it's funny or when a new inside joke is created. I've found that my favourite days are when I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe. Of course I will miss high school, but I will miss hushed laughter in lessons, wasting time walking around school instead of going to Business Studies and doing absolutely nothing in art lessons more than I will miss events with my entire year group.

I was thankful when the temperature fell drastically on that day and the sky became almost black from the dark clouds so that everybody went home. It was a relief as I was saying goodbye and pretending that I cared I was walking away, when in reality I couldn't wait to sit in my friends living room watching Guy Tang transform fried hair into flawless hair. 
It feels so strange that I have sat in my 30 minute leavers assembly and laughed at year 7 photos, knowing I will never know these people in the same way again. I have scrawled 'good luck!' with sharpie on school shirts and had the pen bleed through the fabric to stain my skin. I've sat in a field wearing my leavers hoodie and talked about the courses I'm taking at college and how much I don't want to open my GCSE results. I've sat in silence for hours in an attempt to include as many key words as possible in answers, even if the sentences don't actually make sense. My biggest regret is that I did not revise once although I don't know if that's something I should include on my blog.. 

Right now my life seems to have no purpose, which is a huge relief from the months of stress and trying to sleep while panicking about art coursework. All I can do now is dread the 20th of August when I have to live with whatever mistakes I made. My biggest worry is my English Language grade after I panicked in the exam and didn't really answer any questions properly (I have literally cried over this... in the shower of course). 

I have also been in and out of job interviews, each time being rejected in favour of somebody with experience. It is now that I hate myself for doing work experience in an office rather than a shop, which would have made me look more employable for the role of 'customer assistant'.

Over the summer I am hoping to improve my blog and actually post (!!!). After all, I have so much time....

Sunday, 14 June 2015

can i please go home now

Throughout my teenage years my bedroom walls have faced endless change. At seven years old I favoured butterfly stickers and snapshots of Disney princess birthday parties, all quickly replaced by posters ripped out of Kerrang! magazine and bought in groups of 3 for £5 at hmv when I turned eleven. I remember organising each wall by the band (my MCR shrine above my bed and blink 182 plastered on my bedroom door) until my walls could no longer be seen under pictures of 30+ year old men wearing eye liner and often holding puppies... After ripping those down in an attempt to be cool at aged 13,  much to my dads dismay I chose to sellotape and GLUE (what was I thinking??!?!?!) pages from fashion magazines and inspirational quotes (it was the year of YOLO.... luckily I chose to avoid that acronym).  

These days my bedroom is littered with things that hold mild sentimental value. A blue dream catcher where Gerard Way's face used to be above my bed, bought by my sister when she went to Ibiza with her friends. A disco ball bauble that my form tutor swore would give me good luck and empty bottles of perfume that still smell like year 8 parties. I have unread books cluttering my windowsill and photos taped to the wall, along with necklaces I never wear hung from a coat rack. I also have an abundance of empty photo frames that I am too lazy to fill... Maybe one day...

Last year I visited a local art gallery on a geography trip, and found myself discussing change with one of the volenteers. She explained the motives of the paticular artist were to represent the change that can easily be introduced into our lives. Although it seems so obvious, it really surprised me how easily I can alter my surroundings. She explained that although people refuse to acknowledge it, we can simply wake up one morning and decide to be a different person, completely reinventing ourselves. It inspired me to stop listening to the same songs I play every day and to dye my hair again.. Despite the fact these are small changes, they seem to refresh my every day life in a way that would not be expected.

Right now I want to rip all the photos from my wall and cover the cracked paint with a new, pristine layer. I want to leave my wardrobe bare and donate all the clothes I keep purely for the 'sentimental value' and empty all my drawers from the paint brushes abandoned since I finished Art and the school books littered with doodles. After filling my room with chaos for the last nine years, at sixteen years old I am strangely drawn to simplicity... Weird.

~

For the past few weeks I have been fully immersed in GCSE life, which explains my absence from blogging. Fortunately my last ever exam is on Tuesday which means I can hopefully attempt to get back into a routine when it comes to my blog. Thank you for staying through my online silence (ha).

Oh and btw the lyric I used in the title is from Blink 182's song 'Roller coaster' which probably my favourite Blink song! Listen here.


Saturday, 18 April 2015

The "it's going to be okay" playlist

I've bought my prom dress, stuttered my way through multiple college interviews and watched as I crossed off more and more days from my exam timetable. High school is officially coming to an end. Right now my emotions are completely tangled up due to the fact I can't decide whether to be excited, slightly scared or sad. In just a matter of weeks I will no longer be required to wear the tie that has been hung around my neck almost every day since I was 11. I will no longer be sitting in classrooms with people I've grown to love as we've grown up together, and I will no longer spend my days in the buildings I have sworn to hate for five years. It seems that every aspect of my life is about to change, and I'm currently in the stage where I can see how things are going to happen.

The people I love to see every day will disappear from my life until we never speak again, and the moments that I am living right now will just become a distant memory of the stupid things I did when I was sixteen. The scariest thing is that there will always be a last time. There was the last time your parents picked you up or you wore your favourite shoes. There will be a last time you watch your favourite movie or eat at your favourite restaurant. Most people are never aware that they are living 'the last time', but right now I am. Everyday I become aware of something I am going to miss and it makes me even more reluctant to leave. Unfortunately that is out of my control. 

Perhaps you can tell that right now I'm slightly worried? With exams and the looming prospect of leaving my high school days behind, I've become a nervous wreck - abandoning revision to watch all the stereotypical high school movies I will soon no longer be able to relate to completely. I know that millions of people have and are going to go through the same thing as me, but I still feel completely stressed out. It is because of this that I procrastinated from revision even more in order to create this playlist.

These are the songs I turn to when I feel like I'm stuck and things aren't going to work out. Music never fails to reassure me, so I'm heavily depending on these songs right now. I also attempted to scan an image for the first time! Unfortunately a black line has appeared round the photo which is annoying me immensely despite all my attempts to remove it. Regardless, I hope this playlist can help anybody else in a similar situation. Also, if you're wondering why I chose 'The Kids Aren't Alright' by Fall Out Boy due to the fact it isn't very similar to the rest, you should read this post that I wrote about the song a few months ago.

Due to my exams being just around the corner, I don't really have time to post right now, so if anything I will most likely be posting these kind of 'candid', unedited posts which involve me typing for half an hour without stopping to re-read anything (until two months later when I hate myself for saying stupid things). In seven weeks high school will be over and I will have the longest summer of my life to post...... and worry about starting college on my own..... YAY.


Saturday, 7 March 2015

life through windows

Within the next year, my life is going to change a lot. My surroundings will change in almost every way, although I'll still live in the same place, I won't see the same people every day. Lately everything has been a blur of countdowns. '5 lessons until your exam! Three months until you leave!', and it's stressing me out. For five years I've drifted along in a blur of ignorance, unable to imagine life outside of high school. I never thought I would leave, but the inevitable is drawing closer and now all I can think is that I wish I hadn't taken it for granted. This has been playing on my mind a lot lately.

Last night at 2am, somehow I found myself on a youtube video of Oprah's 'Aha!' moments. (Don't ask how I even got myself there). Anyway, I learnt something very valuable from that youtube video. At 2 in the morning while the rest of my family were asleep, I sat in my bedroom re-playing a moment that happened years ago, and felt everything almost click into place.

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different".
For so long I have tortured myself over intricate details that I thought had ruined everything, when in reality, I don't know that it did. How do I know things wouldn't have self destructed anyway? I must remind myself to let things go rather than constantly holding onto them.

Along with a life lesson, last night I also came across some photos that had been lost within laptop files, each one taken through some kind of window. To maintain tradition of my blog and be unreasonably deep: I hope that I stop living life looking through windows this year, and actually live..

Thursday, 5 March 2015

my favourite songs


I love music. There is nothing else in the world that can give me that weird energetic high of excitement that I imagine some people get from watching their favourite football team play. Perhaps due to the obsession/infatuation I have with music, I think the only way to truly know somebody (or me at least) is to know their favourite songs. I love discovering what people play when they're angry or sad or happy, because it's within the lyrics that you find out how they really feel and the things they truly want to say.

In an attempt to completely reveal my personality to anybody who finds themselves on my blog, I want to share my ever growing, main Spotify playlist. Unfortunately at the time of creation, I had no intention of sharing it with the world, so rather than a witty name the title is a collection of letters, brought together by me slamming my hand on my keyboard. 

Truthfully, I never really reveal my oddest music tastes to anybody. I see music as something personal.. maybe because my taste is very..... diverse..... This playlist demonstrates that, but it's pretty much all of my favourite songs. I will warn you, this is mainly Michael Jackson, mixed with Fall Out boy and My Chemical Romance, but there are a few great songs on there too!

A few of my absolute favourites are:
  • 'Patron Saints of Liars and Fakes' by Fall Out Boy, which is my ultimate teenage song. I play this whenever I'm in a bad mood or feeling vaguely annoyed at something.
  • 'Bulletproof Heart' by My Chemical Romance. I could pick any MCR song due to the fact they're probably my all time favourite band. They're the first band I became properly obsessed with and the first concert I ever went to at the age of twelve. This was the  last song they played and I remember feeling so overwhelmed with adrenaline and excitement that I can't quite shake the feeling whenever I listen to them to this day. It's kind of bittersweet to listen to them now due to the fact the band split up, but I still love the songs.
  • Dirty Diana - Michael Jackson. I'm a big MJ fan so it's hard to pick just one to talk about, but this is probably one of my all time favourites. I have ALOT of MJ on this playlist.. be warned.
  • Northern Downpour - Panic! At The Disco. I know I've now included all bands in the holy emo trinity but what did you expect from a former emo kid? I wish I didn't but I love this song. It's one of those songs that I feel every word was written for me.
  • Dancing on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie. I don't even care if this isn't a 'cool' song, I love it. It's my main happy song.

I hope you enjoy my playlist, and don't think I'm too weird... I'd love to know what your favourite songs are, feel free to comment your ultimate angry/sad/happy/weird playlist!

Monday, 2 March 2015

lost for words

Lately I have found myself at a loss for words. I say lately but the reality is that I've been feeling somewhat mute for months now. I can barely describe the emptiness that consumes my mind where there was once an endless collection of thoughts and words that begged and pleaded to be written down. I once channelled this into my blog, finding comfort in publishing the things that plagued my mind and setting them free into the world where I no longer had to deal with them. It was my therapy; once I clicked publish, I was met with response from people who felt the same way, and that made me feel normal. Suddenly I was able to partly control the chaos of my mind, cherry picking the most prominent thoughts that I could use to inspire at least four paragraphs, and then be done with it. Until my mind went silent.

When I was younger, I used to laugh a lot. At five years old I was regularly sent out of the swimming pool because I couldn't keep a straight face while the teacher was trying to get me to do back stroke. I would fall back into the water and experience the pain of chlorine stinging my eyes and water choking me as my lungs screamed for oxygen. The teachers would pull me out and re-adjust my armbands, and I would start laughing all over again. Despite how irritating I was to anybody within a two metre radius, I was a happy child. I saw the funny side of everything and up until the age of fourteen I found myself giggling uncontrollably at things that nobody else found amusing at all. Some people can pinpoint a day when their life changed, and to me it's when nothing seemed funny anymore.

I hear other people's high school stories and feel myself brimming with envy at how happy their memories sound. I love to hear the nostalgia in their voice as their mind runs over the places they used to go and the inside jokes that had them laughing in the middle of an exam. It feels like I don't have these memories, even though I know I do. Maybe I can't remember it so quickly because I'm still living it. I know all the places I go and the inside jokes and the things I waste my money on, but it's so hard to view them in a positive way because it's just my life.

I want to remember these days so much, and it only hits me that I can't control their passing by when my friend tells me her stomach constantly feels like she's on a roller coaster due to constant butterflies, while I feel completely empty. I envy their care free happiness while I am struggling to understand why I don't feel anything at all. The reason I communicate this to my blog is because I want to document everything. Often I find myself on blogs that have been abandon since 2009, yet I am drawn to the honesty and reality the writers portray to their audiences of five people. The fact I have never met another blogger makes it easier for me to write so personally, because I like the comfort of knowing I won't have to face them.

My blog is important to me, and I do love the blogging world and everything surrounding it, however I struggle to keep it consistent. I know nobody is waiting anxiously for my next post, but I constantly put so much pressure on myself. I find myself counting up the simple tasks like answering emails and publishing a post and transforming them into complex challenges that require exceptional skill that I do not have. Basically, little tasks have become impossible and everything is overwhelming. This isn't even just in blogging now, I no longer want to do simple things like text people back, go out, do my nails or even eat sometimes. Although it sounds ridiculous, everything just seems so difficult and I am finding myself months behind on coursework and weeks late for my friends birthday presents. I have never been like this before, and I don't understand what changed.

I don't really know what this post was supposed to achieve, as of late I've been opening blogger and typing non stop until it seems I've come to a conclusion, rather than posting anything that's even vaguely planned out. I hope you can understand that somehow posting this makes me feel better. I feel as if I've achieved something which gives me an undeserved sense of purpose... I'm not even making sense to myself at this point.

I'm really trying to improve myself and become somebody who can put more effort into things, like revising and blogging and actually caring about anything.. In the world of Laura everything is so intense right now. High school is ending and everywhere I look it seems to be another countdown of days or lessons remaining until I'm forced to leave and move onto something else. Last week I had the first of my college interviews which went okay despite an awkward handshake that seemed to shatter my bones. On Wednesday I have the interview of the college I actually want to go to which is incredible daunting and I feel like there is no hope for me once they compare my predicted grades to my mock results (my D in art doesn't really measure up to the B I'm supposed to be achieving by now..). On top of that I have my art exam next week. I don't think I've mentioned this before but I HATE ART. 

Overall I'm a pretty stressed person right now... Maybe I should return to writing my Spanish coursework WHICH IS DUE SOON AS WELL. 

Friday, 23 January 2015

Sixteen


On Friday the 9th of January 2015, I turned 16. The age that the Disney princesses I grew up watching met the love of their lives, got married and lived happily ever after. The age that my primary school friends and I pretended to be in our imaginary games in which we convinced ourselves we were living in a fairytale for the fifteen minute break time. After being brainwashed by teen movies for years, I had spent my life believing that sixteen was THE age to be. I imagined myself being mature and interesting and happy, but as the day came closer I simply felt stressed and miserable and tired. When I woke up on that Friday morning, I was disappointed. I had placed so many expectations on this day that it would be impossible to ever live up to.

Lately I've realised how much my unattainable expectations can affect me. Nothing I do will ever live up to the perfect vision I had of it, so I'm left feeling frustrated and confused as to why things didn't turn out the way I thought they would. I think we take our lives for granted. Everybody is always in search for the perfect moment or an object that will make them happy. It's always "I'll be happier when I loose weight" or "when I have a car" or another materialistic item. We are constantly saying 'when I have children' or 'when I'm sixty' or even 'next week', when there is really no guarantee we'll live that long. It's a terrifying and tragic fact that you can attempt to avoid, but it will always be there.

Everyday I am torn between two expectations. I want to be good at school and focus on revision, but I'm also exhausted and stressed about missing these years that I am constantly told to enjoy. The best option seems to be hiding in my room until the next three years are over and I am no longer legally required to be in education. 

I want to enjoy the little things more. I want to remember how good it feels to squeeze into a Photo Booth with my best friends and the long seconds of waiting for glossy images of our laughing faces to print. I want to remember how content I felt at someone's birthday party despite the cold, because behind the bad music and mud, everybody was happy. I want to remember the conversations I have with my brother when we're walking home, and the stupid text messages from my friends. I want to laugh about how annoyed I was when I was left out, or how stressed I was about a homework assignment the teacher didn't even mark. When you're close to something, it seems huge. It looms over head and takes up so much room that you can't see anything to either side of it. It's only when you take a few steps back that you realise how small it truly is. As I continue to grow in my life, I'm going to learn so much more. I'm going to meet even more people who make me question things I thought I was sure about, and I'm going to see things that make me change my mind about everything I ever knew. Right now, like everybody else, I'm in a comfortable state of happy ignorance but I am completely prepared to watch as my life right now becomes a simple memory. I need to remind myself of this more often.

After my first day of high school I felt like somebody had ripped away my safety blanket and broken the rose glasses I viewed the world through. All of a sudden I was forced into a place where nobody said thank you for holding the door open and nobody cared how lost you were on your way to history.  It's as if you're sheltered for your whole life and then one day your house falls down, and you're left to rebuild it yourself with only a broken pen and a tie you don't really know how to use. If somebody had sat 11 year old me down and told me all the things I was going to do and say and feel, I would never have believed them.

It's funny how you can change without really being aware of it. I don't like the same music I did three years ago and I don't have the same opinions on things although it might be embarrassing to look back on, I'm so glad I can document these changes through my blog.

If I have any goals as a sixteen year old it is to have no goals. I don't want to imagine a perfect year and then be annoyed when it doesn't turn out that way. This year I want to let things happen the way they're supposed to, so I don't blame myself if they're not great.

So there.. another post made up of candid 3am thoughts...

Friday, 2 January 2015

Do better


It is especially at this time of the year when I begin to question the relevance of anything I do, as the earth completes yet another lap around the sun, just to begin again. As humans we seem to ignore the oddness of it all and create a million ways to distract ourselves. We invent problems that are ridiculous when you step back and realise how clueless we all are, yet people die for them. Sorry for getting deep, I shouldn't think for too long apparently..

As well as the disasters we put among ourselves, somehow humanity has managed to create something that's enough to kill you or fill you with hope. Art. Art can be expressed in a million different ways, whether it's photography, music, dance, painting or even make up. There are endless possiblities to show the world what you can do.

 In paintings you can see the brush strokes triggered by the movement of the artists hand. I can hear the sharp breaths of my favourite singer between lines of a song. I watch as the eyes of a dancer move rapidly, lost in the moment and thinking of the next move. Sometimes it is easy to view artists as unreachable gods, people who aren't really people and are larger than life itself. It is in the thick paint and sharp inhale and sudden movement that I am reminded that they are all human, and any human can achieve these things.

Because of this revelation I have one simple goal for 2015: 'Do better'. It is so easy for me to believe that I can't compete with other peoples talent and give up. However, it is within this belief that I forget that they are just people. It was a person who painted the Mona Lisa, it was a person who invented the internet and it was a person who wrote Thriller. A human being who had to sleep and eat and breathe just like me. 
Everybody is capable of something and I hope 2015 is the year you figure out what that is. 

Happy New Year.